"Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”"
Matthew 27:46
I cry this with Jesus today.Matthew 27:46
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I can vividly remember lying on the couch in my Mama's lap when I was about 11 years old while she held a pack of ice on my head and rubbed my tummy. All throughout my younger years, my tummy hurt, a lot. I would go on and off eating dairy as I reached middle and high school which seemed to help as much as I can remember. When I got to college, something major happened. I was 22 hours away from home, starting as a Freshman on the soccer team (totally reliant on the scholarship I had to stay there financially and very afraid of losing it if I didn't perform well enough), and extremely driven to succeed. I didn't know much about grace or the gospel then. I felt really sick - my gut caused me to either be "plugged up" or the opposite. I had to fight so hard to get through soccer practice just from an energy standpoint. I kept eating like I normally did, but started losing weight. I went to Mexico for Spring Break with some of my teammates, and, upon the suggestion of my Mom, experimented by not eating any wheat while I was there (which was easier since their staples are rice, beans, and corn - not wheat like America). By the end of the trip, I felt like myself again - I had energy and my stomach worked like I knew it should. On the plane ride back to North Carolina, I had an "American" sandwich. I was done. It was then that I knew that I would never again eat wheat or dairy. That was a defining moment in my life
Since 2003, my lifestyle and vocation have been heavily influenced by my experience with, always increasing knowledge of, and convictions about food. Because of the trauma and awakenings I have experienced throughout my life, combined with my passion for physical fitness, I pursued bachelors and masters degrees in exercise and sports science. After getting married and moving to Indianapolis, the Lord made it clear that I had a gift in helping other people live healthier lives. So, Justice Fitness was born in 2009 in a small, 24 hour gym that was just around the corner from our home. God blessed the business tremendously and He has communicated that this is one of the ways I am to share Him - His love, His truth, and His news - with the world. Once Steve retired from the NFL, this passion became not only mine, but our family's as well. God has done mighty things through the gifts He has given us in fitness and nutrition - and not just external benefits, but in the hearts of the people He has allowed us to work with. Lifestyle decisions are matters of the heart, and change only happens when the heart does. So, we are committed to getting to the heart of the matter with each one of our clients ... what we do far surpasses the physical, but it is a great conduit to the spiritual.
As our business has grown and our message has spread, my personal convictions about food and exercise have become increasingly rigid. The motivation for my personal nutrition and exercise practices have always been for how I feel and not how I look. Therefore, as strict as I have become about eating clean and exercising regularly, I have never had a diagnosed "disorder". My weight dropped in college while I was sick, and I never could really regain it, even though I wanted to (which caused a lot of additional stress when people thought I had an eating disorder) and then again after having Hope, due in large part to work stress (plus a new home and baby all at the same time) which made me exercise more and eat less than I should have. Since these times, I have found healthy middle grounds and gained some weight back on. I have never wanted to lose weight, and body image has never been of import to me, truthfully. But I have, for the majority of my adult life, been focused on how I feel. I want to be all that I can be for my family, my friends, my work, and most of all, my God. If I feel sick, I am pretty worthless, and I don't want to be worthless. I am haunted by the trauma I have been through in my past and I don't ever want to go back there.
Well, about a month ago, I realized that Hannah was looking thinner than normal, and thinner than I wanted her to be. Then, about 2 weeks ago, she got sick. We usually get some kind of bug once a year around this time, and since it does not happen often, it gives me a chance to assess and reflect. Steve got sick right after Hannah, and then Hope had some kind of variation of the two. I stayed healthy. Then, we received a very hurtful message from a distant family member. I have never been blind to the fact that I am very thin, and I am not unaware of the fact that our family eats clean 100% of the time when we are in control of what we have. But here is why I am sharing this, and here is the painful truth: I have finally realized that "my way" is not the best way for me or my family. This, I must confess. This I must share, because the Lord has removed the scales from my eyes.
I have not preached grace in my home when it comes to food. Sure, I let the girls have treats at pre-school, and sure, I let them partake at birthday parties and special events. But if I am honest, I have sent another message at home. This message has been law. By the way I eat and by the way I feed my family on a consistent basis, I have separated us from others. I have inadvertently shown my girls that "clean" is the only way, and any way outside of that is bad. I have made my family focus too much on food and made them feel that some food is "bad", when, in reality, all food is a good gift from the Lord (Ecclesiastes 3:13).
I have never wanted anything but the best for my family, and I thought I was doing what was best. But my head was down and what may have worked for me (for a time) is not what works best for my family. I have preached "middle" to our clients after they discover what true health and vitality means for them, but I have stayed on the far right in my practice. I have been hypocrite. I have been a slave to fear. I have worshiped an idol of control. I don't want to do or be these things any more when it comes to food.
The gospel is a scandal of grace that led Christ to the cross so that I can be free. The gospel leads to love, continual satisfaction, and eternal life. The law is a burdensome, unattainable, and unsatisfying measure of perfection that eventually leads to license (I am going to do whatever I want) or legalism (I am going to try my darnedest to be perfect) and eventually, death. The gospel leads people to repentance. The law leads to hard hearts and unrepentant souls. The law enslaves. The gospel frees. The gospel is what God has called me to, changed me by, and commissioned me to share... and its time I apply this gospel to food in my life.
There's the bad news.
Here is the good news:
You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.
Genesis 50:20
God is not surprised at this. He did not allow all of this to happen and then suddenly say "oh, ok, now I'm going to concoct something so that this can be used for Lindsey good!" No. God wrote this story, just like he did yours, before the beginning of time. Nothing surprises God. He is sovereign over all.
Layers of this onion have been peeling off for a while now. This did not happen overnight. This has been a painful, hard, and arduous thing for me to realize and now confess. So where do I go from here? I go to God. I ask Him to make this new found truth a reality in my life and in the lives of Hannah, Hope, and Steve. Practically, we will bring a variety of new foods into our home and eat them freely. No, we aren't going to start eating bon-bons and McDonalds every day. No, I am not going to personally reintroduce gluten into my life, but I want to try some dairy. There is a lot of good about the things we have learned and the things we have taught our children about food. Our girls enjoy greens, meat, and whole grains. My kids know how to wait for dinner and not to waste their appetite on an unsatisfying snack. My family understands that food is a good gift from the Lord and that it should be made holy by the Word of God and prayer. We still disagree with how the majority of America eats - especially children - when it comes to processed food and addiction to sugar. It is no wonder why it is hard to find middle ground here! Our country is sick. But I have responded with legalism. I did the best I knew how, but now I know better.
Our message and methods through our profession has not and will not change. It is just time for us (led by ME) to practice the "middle way" completely, consistently, and transparently.
I am so thankful to God for opening my eyes. I know that if He brought me to it, He will bring me through it.
Our church family has rallied around us. Oh how sweet it is to be known and loved by Jesus, and what gift it is to be fully known and loved by those who are loved the same. Our community will stand by us in our quest for freedom with food. We could not do this without them. I pray that it is not too late for my girls. I am calling upon God to save them from any kind of eating disorder. I trust in His promise that:
His hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear"
Isaiah 59:1
I know this is a lot to put out there. I feel so wretched, why would I ever want to share this? Well, because I am not my own, I was bought at a price (1 Cor 6:19-20). The whole of my life is meant to reflect the goodness and glory of God. I want people to know Him. I want people to find this freedom if they are in bondage like I have been. I want people to see what true Christian life is like. It is is not pretty, perfect, nor painless. But the Christian life is good. Yes, the way of Christ is very, very good.
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I can't wait until Sunday...
