Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
Prone to leave the God I love.
Take my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above...
This whole pregnancy, I have feared going into labor too early. Now that I am past 37 weeks, I have been anxious for the baby to arrive! How faithless am I? Where is my gratitude? Where is my patience and trust in the Lord who is so mighty, so powerful, so sovereign over every detail of my life?
I have gone through a range of emotions over these past 2 weeks. First, it was utter elation and thankfulness that I passed the 37 week mark! Then, as the nights began to accumulate with more sleeplessness, contractions, and questions about when the baby is coming, I find myself battling anxiety. But the time has not been wasted. The Lord has shown me a lot about His character in these long days.
God is sovereignly purposeful. There are 1000+ reasons why this baby has not come yet. I can't even begin to conjecture as to "why". God's sovereign control over the big and small things of all life is mind boggling and extends to all circumstances for all peoples. As John Piper says,
Indeed, if you could see what God could see (which we never will, because we will never be infinite), we would see millions upon millions of purposes in every action of the Son of God. God is never doing just one thing in what He does with us. He is always doing thousands of things that we cannot see. He never has only one purpose in what He does. He always has thousands of purposes, in everything He does. He is infinitely wise, and everything He does relates to everything else that He does sooner or later. For those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, all of them - all of them! - work together for good.
-You will Never Be Thirsty Again
(John Series, June 14 2009)
God is immensely powerful. I had Hannah at 37.4 weeks. I had Hope at 37.0 weeks. By all practical measures (including actual physical ones), this baby should be here. But the Lord is stronger than any force on this earth. We truly have no ultimate control over our lives. Messiah taught me this on a whole new level. It's humorous to hear how much advice I have received about what might bring this baby ... spicy food, weather changes, doing a headstand while singing coom-by-ya (haha kind of kidding on that one). But seriously, without intent to "induce" labor, I am still running, walking a ton, jumping on trampolines with Hope (because she begged me to!) ... just going on with life as usual. Nothing is going to bring this baby here but God. When we think we ultimately cause things, we are so so wrong. God causes things. Period.
God is REALLY gracious and merciful. If God has revealed one thing to me, it is this: I carried messiah wayyyy longer than I should have. The fact that 6 healthy baby girls lived happily and healthfully in my womb for 21 weeks is nothing short of a modern-day miracle. My doctor told me this early on in my pregnancy: that he was extremely surprised I carried them for as long as I did (which he said he would not have told me then). I didn't fully believe him, because I regretfully carried a weight of guilt for not carrying them longer, as if it was my fault. But God, in his glorious sovereign grace, gave me many more days with those girls than the natural world will ever be able to merit. This has been such a precious revelation and one that brings me to tears on a regular basis.
So, here I am. Sitting on the patio in my sports bra, getting some rays (what awesome weather we are having), at 38.5 weeks. Continuing on with life as usual - waking early, spending precious time with my Sustainer, exercising, schooling the girls, keeping the home, making food for the man, training some wonderful ladies, and doing all of the little things in between (you know, like throwing 6-year-old birthday parties, playing with friends, cleaning the linen closet, building tree houses... bahaha). Praise God for the ability to still do this! As far as we can tell, me and baby are healthy and strong. I have a newfound peace...one that the Lord has been working in my heart over these past days.
I ask for God to be my everything. I ask that He be to me what no person or experience will ever be able to be. I ask that He keep the baby healthy. I ask that He give us more and more patience and revelation as He be our strength. I ask Him to show Jesus to us as glorious - as the Word, the only Son of the Father, full of grace and truth. I ask for a fresh baptism of His spirit every morning, for without it we have no hope. I ask that He keep us believing on and trusting in Him, because only He can. I ask Him to be our joy, because nothing else will last or be as full as He is in our hearts.
We love you baby.
We love you Lord.
Thank you. With words that the heart can't express....
Thank you.
May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy.
Colossians 1:11