It's been a hot second, hasn't it?
I actually wrote 3 entries back in the fall, but never posted them.
But here I am. Here we are.
35 weeks pregnant (today) with Justice baby #13.
Steve is as full as ever at Justice Fitness, working from about 5AM to 12PM every day but Sunday, and going back up on most week-day afternoons for a couple of hours. His time spent at home is on making protein shakes for his clients, all of my (and probably most of the kids, ah) food :), and relentlessly parenting this rambunctious group of 5 kids under the age of 12.
Hannah (12), Hope (almost 10), Hayden (6), Hunter (4), and Hudson (almost 2) are wide open and, I think (at least I hope!), loving life. We started traditional school this past fall. While the transition from 6 years of homeschool wasn't EASY, it's been GOOD. Hannah has had the toughest time, but who would want to do 6th grade over again? I know I sure wouldn't. Through the highs and the lows of this past school year, we are GROWING - all of us - into, we pray, more of the image of Christ, Whom we long to love with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. The community at Carmel Christian School is incredible, and we are grateful for the staff there in helping us raise this crew. The kids still love being together at home. While the times when they are all home together is more infrequent because of school and sports, it is almost sweeter. Goodness, I hope they love each other forever.
As the arrival of this baby approaches, probably very soon (the girls came in week 37 and the boys came in week 38), I wanted to pause and give God the thanks He is due for His incredible grace toward us in this "Crazy Wonderful Justice Life". Who knew what that title would mean when I named this blog right after we got married 13 years ago? As one of my dear friends would say, "Manohman".
There's been several moments since 2009 when, I don't know really how to describe it other than that time seemed to stop. And not really in a good way. It's been those times when you feel like you want to wake up from a really bad dream; when you don't feel like you can breathe; when its almost as if you are staring at yourself from outside yourself. One was when Steve was cut from the Colts. Another was when we learned I was carrying 7 children. A third was when I got so incredibly sick - physically, psychologically, and spiritually - after having Hudson, not too long ago. Most recently, it was the September night when Steve found a positive pregnancy test on the floor of our downstairs half-bath (he wasn't supposed to know it was there until the morning). The first word out of his mouth wasn't a holy one. I just sat on the couch, trying to breathe. His vasectomy consult was scheduled for the next day.
So here we are. Not always overwhelmed, but sometimes so. Not always exhausted, but often feeling that way. Not consistently frustrated, but the temptation constantly looms. And we are about to welcome another life into this so imperfect family.
I think the only thing that keeps us going is the time we get alone with God in the wee hours of each morning. God is good is to keep us wanting Him. His Word and prayer are our daily food. I don't mean to sound pious here. Honestly, it's - He's - the only fountain that doesn't run dry.
I came across this poem recently. It's been such a gift:
My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned
He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.
-Grant Colfax Tullar, The Weaver
I don't think I would have chosen the dark threads that have been woven in my life, before they happened. But (and some of the reason I have been led to write this, after speaking to someone recently who was helped by MESSIAH's story) in and after those "dark threads" were woven, I experienced the reality of God and His Word in ways I would have never experienced otherwise, I wouldn't take those dark threads out for nuthin'.
I'll end with these two quotes, because they say it way better that I ever could. I just want to say, "God, thank you. Thank you for the dark threads as well as for the ones of gold and silver. You truly know best. What you will, when You will, how You will. Amen".
Have we forgotten our pitiful failures in preaching and prayer when we [didn’t wait on] God for strength? [Of] those times of groaning, when [no one has] believed our report because the Lord’s arm was not revealed. I call to remembrance all my failures as I stand on this hill of joy. I doubt not, that on the field of Ebenezer there were the graves of thousands who[’d] been slain in fight. Let the graves of our past proud notions, the graves of our self-confidence, the graves of our creature-strength and boasting, stir us up to praise the Lord who ha[s] [thus far] helped us. … Look to your former defeats. Do you return victorious? You would have returned with your garments trailed in the [mud], and your shield [broken], if God had not been upon your side. Oh, [you] that have proven your weakness, perhaps by some terrible fall, or in some sad disappointment, let the recollection of the spot where you were vanquished constrain you the more to praise the Lord who ha[s] helped you even to this day to triumph over your adversaries.
-Spurgeon, “Ebenezer!,” 159–60
What an amazing thing it is that God is the God who is able to turn our failures into triumph. The very things that we thought meant the end of our usefulness, the conclusion of our pilgrimage—upon reflection, that has been the very seedbed, out of weakness and failure and disappointment, that God has chosen to make you the individual that you are, to make a church the way he wants it to be.
-Allistair Begg, “Samuel’s Solid Leadership” 1 Samuel 7:1-11
