Messiah

The Lord named the girls around the 18th week of our pregnancy. Steve was in the gym and I was swimming at the Y. When I got home, we had a moment to eat together before I had to pick the girls up from school. Steve explained that the Lord spoke to him during his workout. He heard that the girls' names, when combined, had much meaning. The song that was playing when he heard this was "Oceans" by Hillsong. The word that stuck in in Steve's head was "Savior". 6 letters. While we were talking, the Spirit overcame me. I knew. When combined, all 7 of our miracle child's first names were to form the acrostic, MESSIAH.

Our prayer from that day, after Nehemiah 1:11, became "Messiah, Come". Surely, we pleaded for the lives of our girls, but even more, we pleaded for the one true Messiah - Jesus Christ - to fill our souls, no matter our earthly circumstance.
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After we agreed on starting the Pitocin, things moved pretty rapidly. I wasn't sure what an epidural was supposed to do, but I was feeling everything ... since the morning. It was around 4:30PM now. They prepped Steve for the OR. He looked pretty nice in his spacesuit, I must say :). Nurse Lisa, who knew Bethany and Ryan well and who kept coming to check on me (she helped deliver Hope!), fought to come downstairs with us. My contractions were really picking up and I told Sherry that we needed to go.

Ryan prayed for all of us right before we left the room. Steve grabbed our Sword. All I wanted to do was read Psalm 27 that kept ringing in my ears from 2 mornings prior. His perfect words for me at such an unforgettable moment ...

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life;of whom shall I be afraid? 

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.

Psalm 27: 1, 4

We read the whole Psalm aloud while they pushed me out the door. I clutched the bible to my chest and we made the long trek down two elevators to the OR. The nursery bells were ringing on the way down.

The operating room chosen for us was huge. I don't know how many people were in there, but it was many. I was able to sit up and move myself from the stretcher to the operating table. The anesthesiologist was surprised and asked how my pain was. I laughed and told him that I felt everything, and that sure, it was painful, but nothing that I had not experienced before (maybe a BIT more painful!) He asked me to sit up. 

My epidural has fallen out. Ha! I was receiving no medication at all, for what I believe was the whole day. I just laughed. I really thought it was funny. I was actually thankful because I didn't want it in the first place. They insisted that I get a new one because of what might lie ahead. So, I obeyed. Steve came over and held me close while they put the epidural in. I was so happy to be in his arms, if only for a moment.

All of the sudden, out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone new come in the door. He was all scrubbed up and ready to go. It was Dr. B! I about started crying. How did he get here? It meant to much to me. He came over and gave me hug. He and Dr. Bo would be doing the delivery together. The on-call doc from MFM was supposed to do the ultrasound while Dr. Bo delivered the girls. Dr. B took his place. I was so humbled. I lied down and praised our wonderful God.

I knew it was time. Steve held my left arm. Sherry was in my right ear and Lisa was in my left. The symphony began.

I pushed.

Evelyn Mary Justice was born at 5:10 PM. She was 9.2 oz.
Shiloh Grace was born at 5:12PM. She was 10.6 oz.
Sage Chandler was born at 5:17PM. She was 10.9 oz.
Aspen Piper was born at 5:18PM. She was 10.6 oz.
Honor Anna was born at 5:19PM. She was 10.6 oz.

After cleaning each one of the girls off, they brought her to me and lay her on my bare chest. I wept with tears of thankfulness, joy, and praise. They were just perfect. Steve got to hold Aspen and Honor because there was no more room on me. We just held them and cried. All of them were alive. All of them were so beautiful.

The doctors finished up. Dr. B came to my side. He said they were done and that things could not have gone better. I didn't even need a stitch. He said they were expecting it to take hours. It took 10 minutes. He held back tears. By the look in his and Dr. Bo's eyes, I knew that they just experienced the same thing we had ... a miracle.

On the way back up, Sherry whispered in my ear. She told me that she never even started the Pitocin. What an amazing woman. What an advocate. What a servant of God. His will was done, naturally, without any medicine, literally, all day long. It was then that the epidural started to kick in. The nursery bells were ringing on our way back up. Sherry pointed out how beautiful it was that they were ringing on both of our travels.

We got to go right back up to our Labor and Delivery room with the girls, where everyone was waiting for us. Once I switched beds, Steve and I had sweet alone time with all of the girls. We placed each one on my bare chest and we sang to them. Steve held each one and kissed her tiny head. Then, we wrapped each one in her named blanket where she would be warm.

Everyone came back in the room. We handed the girls to open hands while Steve and I each held one. They were all still living, except for Mercy. We sang Amazing Grace, I Love You Lord, Lord You are Beautiful, I Exalt You, Though You Slay Me. The hospital must have heard a chorus of angels from floor ... 7.

We wept. We laughed. We praised our Mighty God.

The nurses kept checking each baby's heartbeat. Some lived longer than others. The last to go was Sage. I held her so close. Around 9PM we begged that people leave because they were so tired and hungry. We were ok. We were more than ok.

I fell asleep with Sage in my arms. Steve took her from me and they checked her heartbeat. She was still alive. Steve whispered in Sage's ear that she could go ... that we loved her ... that we would see her in heaven. When Kristen (yes, she was back now! Sherry was in the room next door with the girls, staying way past her shift on her birthday of all days) came back in the room and checked Sage, she had passed. The time was 9:21PM. She was a trooper. She lived for over 4 hours.

The day began with Mercy. It ensued with Grace. It ended with Wisdom and Honor. 

With everyone but Weslie gone at this point, Steve and I chowed down. Cy, the owner of our favorite Sushi spot in Charlotte, sent me a FEAST. I couldn't believe it. I was so hungry and thirsty. I had no water or food for over 24 hours. I slowly ate the beautiful food before me. We celebrated.

Sherry brought the girls back in. She had taken her time to bathe and dress them. They each had a little dress on, made by an amazing ministry at the hospital. They each also had their own little knit blanket and heart-shaped pillow. Sherry didn't think it was complete without Issac. So, she draped another boy dress with a blanket over the side of the bassinet for him. They all fit in one. It was perfect. The 7 were there.

We took many pictures. Then, I asked Wes to get a picture of their little feet, just like the one we have of ours at home. We had to ruffle up their dresses to get the shot. After we got it, I knew I had to dress them properly for the first and last time.

Tears streamed down my face while I straightened and fixed each girl's little outfit. I got to dress them, just like I do Hannah and Hope every morning. The pain really set in. I wanted to bring them home so badly. I wanted to nurse them. I wanted to be their mama.

I kissed each one for a long time and said goodbye. Steve did the same. We covered them up to keep them warm. We loved them so much. We will always love them so much.

Kristen took the girls to the morgue. We held each other close.

 

Amidst our broken hardheartedness, we had so much peace. God was still so so good. God was still MORE than worthy of our praise. 

Blessed be the Lord! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.

Psalm 28:6-7 

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We slept well. Connie and Daryl brought us our favorite homemade breakfast and a clean change of clothes for me. The morning was a sweet time. Dr. B and Dr. Bo came in before they even started their days and gave me my "orders", which weren't many. Most of their words expressed the feelings they had about the situation. Dr. Bo used the words "painful but full of joy". He saw it. He got it! Dr. B continued to admonish our God for the work He did in this journey. He assured me that God led every step ... that we never closed our fists. His words were so comforting. 

We were discharged after we did the necessary paperwork for the girls' birth certificates and discussed how we would celebrate the girls' lives. 

 As we left the room, we turned back. We looked at our room number....

 

I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have NOT let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you HAVE healed me ... Weeping may tarry for the night, but JOY comes with the morning ... You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. 

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Psalm 30 (selected verses) ...
the next Psalm I was supposed to read for this day. 

He will always give us what we need.

He will always be more. than. enough.