I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart.
Romans 9:2
There is a plaintive strain in the symphony of our lives. I think Jesus
was the happiest man who ever lived. And O how sorrowful! A man of
sorrows and acquainted with grief.
- John Piper
The sorrow and anguish set in as we pulled into our driveway the day after Messiah's birth. The skies were weeping with us ... they had been ever since my labor began. Everything in the home reminded me of being pregnant: my seat cushion that was still in the computer chair, the snoogle pillow on my bed, the sheets that still had the little amount of amniotic fluid on them.
All of these things and more made me feel like it was all a dream - it happened so quickly. I was just pregnant with 6 beautiful lives. I wanted the pain back in my ribs. I wanted it to be hard to walk. I wanted to be out of breath when I went up the stairs. But I had no physical pain, no trouble walking, no lack of air when I went upstairs.
Telling Hannah and Hope was my greatest fear. We made it home on Wednesday in time to get them from preschool. Steve went to pick them up while I took a long hot shower. When they walked in the door, I knelt down to the ground and held out my arms. Hannah came running first. When she hit my lap, she knew right away. I saw it in her face. I asked her if she noticed anything different. She replied, "the babies". Hope came running to my arms too. I held her close. She is still too young to understand. We explained to Hannah that the babies are in heaven now and that we will see them there. We told her that God took them and that they are in a much better place than here. She asked when she would get to see them ... I held back tears. I didn't want her first memory to me crying. Daddy took over and explained that we would see the babies when we got to heaven.
We focused on celebrating Messiah - both our little ones and the True One. Kim and Kasey brought over Frozen balloons for each girl. We had homemade pizza that evening with the Carsons and let the kids watch a movie. Hannah loved celebrating the babies. We told her that we would cry, but that it is was okay. We had much joy. We resolved that if we wanted the world to see Christ in this, it had to start with her.
We will not "fake" anything, but we will teach our girls the Gospel through this tremendous loss. Hannah was/is resilient. She has not asked the same question twice. She asked why God took them a few nights ago. I told her that I wasn't sure of every reason, but that I knew it was right and good and His will. I told her that maybe God took the babies because He loves us enough to allow us to suffer for the sake of His Son, the true Messiah, which has brought us so much closer to Himself. I told her that maybe, God took the babies because it would help other people love Jesus like we do, because they can see the hope that we still have. We are now reading through three new wonderful books (from Kasey and Kim, our angels) with the girls that teach them about Jesus and heaven.
The skies continued to weep with us for days. The rain didn't stop. I couldn't help but feel the sorrow that our true Messiah shared with us. He knew suffering - much more suffering than we did. I have always tried to be "strong". These past 21 weeks taught me weakness like never before. Several mornings after the birth, I woke up early and just crawled into Steve's arms and wept. I couldn't be strong. I can't be strong now.
Each Sunday during the pregnancy we called "celebration Sunday" for another week that I was still pregnant. Hannah's first words when she came downstairs this past Sunday while I was making breakfast was "happy celebration Sunday mommy". I held back tears ... and smiled at her. I told her "yes", it was celebration Sunday. We will always celebrate Sundays for our Messiahs.
Later that morning before church, I told Steve what Hannah said. We were playing Kari Jobe's album over the big speakers (the album that Sherry gave to us at the hospital). The song that played when we gave birth to Mercy came on. We both lost it. It was the first time Hannah had seen us cry together. We held our girls tight. We told them that our tears were good and that we loved them so much.
Now, my milk is coming in. I nursed Hannah and Hope each for a year. I want to nurse Mercy, Evie, Shiloh, Sage, Issac, Aspen, and Honor for a year too. But I can't. I just can't.
My hormones are keeping me up at night. It is incredible how God wires mothers to give us extra strength in the weeks after a new baby arrives. He gives us biological impulses to stay up late and get up early. Oh how I yearn for my babies to rock and sing to. Instead, I lie awake in bed.
We have great anguish and sorrow, just like Paul did, just like Jesus did. We are not "playing games" here.
But oh, do we have joy.
Oh, do we have indomitable joy.
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.
Philippians 4:4
The mercies we have been shown in this journey are endless:
- I had NO complications from day one to day 147 of this miracle pregnancy.
- All of the babies were healthy and perfect in utero ... we never had to worry about one of them.
- I got to carry 7 and then 6 living babies in my womb for 21 weeks! What a miracle!
- My water broke while I was sleeping soundly. I don't have to wonder if I "did" something wrong.
- All of the babies were ALIVE when they were born, for at least an hour! - We have 6 birth certificates to hang and frame.
- We will always be the parents of, at least, 9 total children. We could receive no greater blessing.
- If the babies came just 2 weeks later, things would have been much more difficult and dangerous. At 21 weeks, there was no question of their ultimate survival. They did not suffer. They could not even breathe oxygen so they were not gasping for air. Their eyes could not open, so they looked as if they were sleeping. They were not in pain as they met their Maker in our loving arms and on our bare chests.
- I had a mother and sister in Christ in the room whom I needed so desperately every step along the way. They never, ever left my side.
- The delivery day was seamless. There was no confusion, no fear, no anger. How can you explain that? The only answer is found in a real, powerful, and gracious God who orchestrated a beautiful symphony.
These are just a FEW examples of how perfect this story was crafted to reflect the Glory of the one true God ... the God of the Bible ... the God who gave His Son for us so that we may have life abundant.
This journey has done so much in our personal lives and relationships, starting with our marriage. My weakness has enabled Steve to be strong. He has grown so close to our God and cherishes Him like never before. If that were the whole purpose for this, it would be enough. But there is so much more.
This experience has totally convinced our hearts, not just our minds, that the God of the Bible is real and that his promises are true. As we look back, each day of the pregnancy was wrought with complete dependency on Christ. It had to be. And He ALWAYS showed up! For every day since the the girls have been gone, God through His Son has provided abundantly more than we could have ever asked or imagined through His Word to us:
On Wednesday, He gave us Psalm 30: Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
On Thursday, He gave us Psalm 31: Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and my body also. Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!
On Friday, He gave is Psalm 32 and this word from John Piper:
The immeasurable greatness of his power toward us who believe... Ephesians 1:19
On Saturday, He gave us Psalm 33 and this word from John Piper:
...the tang of the salt that the world needs to taste, and the brightness of the light that the world needs to see is indomitable joy in the midst sorrow. Joy in the midst of health? Joy in the midst of wealth and ease? And when everyone speaks well of you? Why would that mean anything to the world? They have that already. But indomitable joy in the midst of sorrow — that they don't have. That is what Jesus came to give in this fallen, pain-filled, sin-wracked world.
Messiah's story has impacted all of our relationships for the better - from family to friends to co-workers to acquaintances to complete strangers. Our pain is real and our weakness has made Him all the more strong in our words, actions, and desires. As athletes, we are so prone to live performance-based lives where strength is valued above all else. We have learned that humility, TRUE humility, is the only way in which we may connect with people in such a broken and hurting world.
Our community of faith has been incredible. No one left us that day. At one point, all 10 friends were in the room next door, on their knees, praying for 2 hours straight. How blessed are we to have such authentic and loving relationships? These people will not abandon us now, as they have been even more present in the days after the delivery, which is when we need them the most.
The out-pouring of love and support from the greater community has been mind-blowing. We are so unworthy. We have received vast amounts love and prayer throughout this entire journey. "Thank you" cannot cover what we have for you. It is not us that you see. It is Christ Jesus. You love Him even if you don't know it yet. You were made for Him. Come. Bend your knee. He loves you more than you will ever know.
It is no great irony that I have been studying the greatest book of the Bible since January. To have each section at the time that I did (and will) brings me to my knees. He has such a greater purpose than we could ever imagine in our trials (and triumphs). As humans, we are just a small part of a great story, of which God is the STAR.
It is also no accident that Paul concluded the greatest chapter in the Bible — Romans 8 — with words that are designed pointedly to sustain our joy in the face of suffering and loss:
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or
distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in [not instead of, but
in!] all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved
us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers,
nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the
love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8: 35-39
May this story not be just an invitation to joy. Not just a painful expression of concern. But may this story be the picture of pain and joy coming together in such a way that you have never seen. May you know love like you have never known love before. May you see, for the first time, indomitable joy in Jesus in the midst of great sorrow. And by God's grace, may this taste like the salt of the earth and look like the light of the world.
You see His glory. You love His glory. You were made for His Glory. Enter in. Please, enter in.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
- William Cowper -