Weak

Be not far from me, for trouble is near, and there is none to help.
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax; it is melted within my breast; my strength is dried up like a potsherd ...  
But you, O Lord, do not be far off! O you my help, come quickly to my aid!

Psalm 22 (selected verses) 

 

This was my Psalm this morning. I could not utter a better prayer for the state of my mind, body, and soul today.

Oh, but how sweet it is to be WEAK. I prayed for this. I prayed to be weak from carrying and caring for children. My flesh is normally  "strong" by world standards (but certainly not God's). I usually have to GO all day to be able to rest at night. Now, I have to catch my breath at the top of the stairs. Now, I have daggers stab me under my ribs and in my pelvis constantly. Now, I am so weak, so desperate, and so unbelievably thankful for the STRENGTH of God Almighty.

We are currently 19 weeks pregnant with 6 beautiful, healthy, lively, and miraculous little girls. We have NOTHING to complain about. Goodness gracious. God's grace and mercy to us is just astonishing and brings us to tears. We are so unworthy. Yes, my cervix got shorter this week. It went from 3.0 - 2.1 cm. This does not surprise the doctors. They said from the beginning that they expected this to happen. Nothing has surprised them to this point. So, I have a pessary now. I won't go into detail about it. But we pray and please pray that God uses it to do a mighty miracle in prolonging the time the girls are in utero. 

We are so close but yet so far. This is such a crucial time. 

Viability is 24 weeks. 28 weeks would be much better. 32 weeks is our prayer. 

I cannot do much of what I was doing last week. Driving far hurts much. Bending over is no bueno. We have decided that I stick just to swimming and core strengthening exercises. They feel right and good. I am still able to take care of the girls, but Hannah definitely picks up some slack. She has learned to change Hope's diaper! It's too funny and she loves it. Preschool really helps me rest and get things done in a low-stress environment. The timing of this whole journey has been no irony but a pure product of God's grace and all-sufficiency.

I will not go on bed rest. My cervix is not shortening because I "move". My cervix is shortening because of the increasing weight and pressure put on it due to the growth of the babies, which we want! So, we pray for wisdom and obey the Holy Spirit on what I should and should not do. The doctors say that the only thing they really DO know is that bed rest will most likely put me into labor sooner. The research is there and we trust it and our doctors much. 

We are thankful for our weakness. It is such a blessing. Steve is heavy in heart - there is so much he feels he cannot do. I am heavy in heart and body. There is so much I cannot do. Our biggest praise is truly arriving to the place where we KNOW what we KNEW. We KNOW now that if, God willing, the girls make it here alive, it has NOTHING to do with us. This outcome will have EVERYTHING to do with God and His great, mysterious, and wonderful SOVEREIGN WILL. We are nothing and add nothing of value to this situation. He is everything and is nothing but valuable. He wrote the end to this run, and nothing will surprise Him.

These days tempt us to focus on the outcome of our pregnancy more than the Creator of it. This is idolatry. We were made for God and Him alone. He is the ONLY thing that satisfies the deepest longings of our souls. Even 8 healthy, beautiful baby girls (my heart can barely stand the thought of such a blessing, it will burst if it goes there) can't compare to the fullness that God Almighty and His Son, Christ Jesus provide. HE is better. He just is. 

This truth is not ambiguous in its application to real life. We are not superheros over here. We are ... WEAK. 

Please Lord, keep us grounded in You lest we perish and settle for so much less that for which we were designed. We believe, please help our unbelief (Mark 9:24).

 

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” “Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?” For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. 

Amen.

Romans 11:33-36