The heart is deceitful above all things...
Jeremiah 17:9
Jesus Christ saved me when I was 11 years old.
Since my justification, constant sanctification has been the story of my life,
as it should be for all who profess faith in the one true Son of God (Romans
6). Many struggles, trials, times of waiting, seasons of doubt and the like
have blessed (Chosen
to Suffer) me by bringing me closer to God and making
me more like Jesus (2 Corinthians 3:18). During the storms, I have fought,
cried, wondered “why”, and been angry at God. Yet, to this point in my short
29+ years on earth, I now understand why He allowed each of the struggles and
His promises to me have been fulfilled in one way or another.
I don’t know the end of this battle yet, but I do
know that it has produced in me riches worth far more than silver or gold
(Proverbs 22:1). That, alone, is the prize.
Infertility has been labeled by many as a struggle
of the “powerless” (Don’t
Waste Your Infertility). Since I can remember, one of my greatest fears has
been the inability to bear children. After having two beautiful and healthy
children seemingly quite easily, I thanked God much for eliminating the fear
from my life. When Steve and I were ready for number three, our Gracious Father
allowed this fear to become real in my life. It has been a year now that
infertility has been my reality each and every morning, afternoon, and night.
This very moment, the fear brings tears to my eyes.
I have grown rich with not just more head knowledge (which I had much of before this trial), but with: the true experience of God’s Sovereignty (Isaiah 55:8-9); the constant transforming work of the Gospel in our lives (Colossians 1:6); the counter-cultural truth of weakness being strength in the eyes of the Lord (2 Corinthians 12:10); and the next degree of understanding that my heart’s greatest desire is God alone, the One who created me, and not anything He created (including another baby) (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
Yet, if I was asked to name ONE thing that I have
taken home from this year-long struggle, it is that of Jeremiah 17:9. I have come to a great
realization of my sin - the reality, seriousness, deceptiveness, and ugliness
of it all. I don't just do sin ... I AM a great sinner whose every fleshly inclination apart from the
Holy Spirit is full of pride and selfishness. When I operate in my flesh, God’s glory may not
be shown in or through me. I am therefore left unsatisfied because (I know
now to a higher degree) that I am only satisfied when God is glorified in
me (John Piper).
Over the past year I have identified and overcome
idols of diet and exercise in my life. While not labeled “extreme” or
“disordered” by my society, God has shown me that His standards are much
different than those of our culture. Over the past year I have learned to love
and cherish my two babies to a whole new level because they, and every child,
are true miracles (Psalm 127:3-5). Over the past year I have come to know that
He is able to do anything, but even if He doesn’t, He is still good and works
for my good, because He loves me (Romans 8).
Over the past year I have been able to share the
Gospel with friends, family, and clients in a way that I never, ever, ever
would have been able to before. Over the past year I have become more desperate
than ever before in my life because I have absolutely no control over this
struggle. Actually, the more I “do”, the further I may depart from my heart’s
desire for more children (on many different levels). Through this desperation,
God has given me the courage to finally pray like Jesus with all of my heart,
mind, and soul: “Father, if You are willing, take
this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done.” (Luke 22:42).
Each morning I awake with fear. The fear of no more
biological children still haunts me. I have to battle it and everything
mentioned in the aforementioned paragraphs daily. However now, thanks to the trial of infertility, my greatest fear has become: not taking hold of that for which Christ took
hold of me (Philippians 3:13); living in my flesh and not His Spirit; not
glorifying God with every faculty of my being; in essence, my greatest fear has become not to trust God to fulfill my
greatest need, which is plainly… Himself.
I cry and cry to the Lord to take my desire for more
children away if it is not from or pleasing to Him. Yet, the desire remains, if
not in stronger and stronger measures. The great saints of old received some of
God's promises on this side of eternity, but they all departed this land not
receiving all of them (Hebrews 11). I don't know if
God will give me more children. I continue to pray that He does while my
desire remains strong. I do know, however, that God is holy, good, jealous,
just, faithful, merciful, gracious, loving, and wise (Ryan Carson). On Him, and
Him alone, I place my hope.
It is all from Him. It is all through Him. It is
all to Him (Romans 11:36).
By His grace, I remain in the fight. (Philippians
2:12)