I wish I could capture ... save ... relish every second of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I want to stop time. I can't and it brings me much sorrow.
Since messiah, I cherish this life in such a greater measure, treasure my daughters in a way that goes beyond the word "more", and am now experiencing the light of the Gospel in a way that I cannot fully describe.
I realize my failures more than ever now, which makes the truth of my salvation through the death of Jesus more precious than anything I have, can, or will ever have or experience. God's wrath is real. He is angry at me. I have fudged it up big time (as I expressed some in the previous post). Without the shield of Jesus Christ, I would be so doomed. Oh, how great is my shield! I love Him, I praise Him, I thank God with all of my being for Jesus Christ!
November 10, 2014 was a day to remember. Steve directed the day and I followed. But to be honest, it was a day like all the rest ... I just love our days.
It began with some awesome time with God. I spoke aloud to Him in normal conversation, which I don't always do. He was there, like He always is. He answered me, like He always does, if I can just be still and listen. Then it was a regular morning for me and the girls: Daddy was at work, Hannah woke right before Hope which gave us some precious alone time together while I prepped breakfast. Hope came down when the food was just ready, which is totally "her". We ate and learned the next Catechism for the day (here is a really great app for this), and then dashed to get out of the door. Hannah went to preschool and Hope went to sweet Kari's house ... bless you, Kari for always serving us so unselfishly! The rest of the morning consisted of exercise (thanks, Steve)! I'm old now and totally over working out for more than an hour, but it was awesome to go to Steve's 9:45 Flywheel class that was totally full and gave me much undeserved love. SmartCore promised what Denise's workouts always do ... pain, struggle, and sweet victory when you finish. The rest of the day flew by with surprises ... a haircut by the one and only Angela at Aveda (she has a gift like whoah), an escort to Lululemon to get some awesome gear that was already chosen for me (one piece of which was gifted to me by the staff, I mean how can I say thank you enough), an amazing dinner at Sushi Guru (thank you Si, Laura, and Steven for always making our time there unforgettable) which included yet another "new" roll with sauteed wild mushrooms - ummm yummmm, and finally the revealing of Steve's big present ... a 400 lb. steel bench made by the one and only Russell which commemorates messiah. I really don't have words for this so here is a little video.
Finally, because I am old now and can do what I want (ha, yeah right), I want to share a few awesome things surrounding the story of messiah that I haven't been able to yet.
Divine providence:
The providence of God throughout this whole journey has been utterly mind boggling. I have to touch on just a FEW examples of this:
On September 30, I rode for the first time since giving birth to Jesus Culture's album, Come Away. I was blown away by the presence of God in our dark sweat-box that morning. I have never been so enlightened than when the song "Show me Your Glory" came on. It was then that I saw the gospel so clearly in our journey. The lyrics illumined my trek on the hospital bed down the long bright hallway to the OR. "I saw the clouds ... but I was not afraid.
The Friday after messiah came (on Tuesday), I had a lot to do around town. From the beginning to the end of the day, things kept "aligning" in a way that was not normal. It was my first day back to real life and God's grace was so evident. His whispers were shouts that He would never leave. The happenings weren't for my sake, but for His...
KC arrived at the hospital to visit his friend where we were visiting our friend Gray RIGHT after I emailed him. KC is an angel and seeing him brought us much joy. And I thought I was running late all morning ... ha.
When I got to my hospital to pick up messiah's birth certificates, I was able to talk to my MFM doctor who is hardly ever "available". He asked me to come into his office and told me that our story was "stuff you only read about in books". I got to stare in his eyes and give him a reason for our hope. Then, Nurse B (who did all of our ultrasounds) and I got some special time together while she took me to the birth certificate office (which I NEVER would have found by myself). We discussed some "what ifs" ... and I had a last opportunity to share my heart with her.
After getting the birth certificates I ran into Nurse S who was by my side all day on September 23. The chances of seeing her were incredibly small! She reminded me that the girls' placentas were down in pathology and that I may be able to see if any of them were identical which would explain how in the world I became pregnant with 7 children (ie. if they all came from one or multiple eggs). Nurse S also told me about a surgical technician who was deeply moved by messiah's birth and who may come to Jesus as a result. I am able to pray for him now! Finally, I got to ask S a question that was really bothering me ... she assured me that there was no way to save Sage even though she lived for 5+ hours. Equipment does not even exist that could have fit into her lungs to give her oxygen. This answer brought me much peace.
After leaving the hospital, I left a message with Dr. B to see if he could talk to pathology about the placentas. I received a call back not to much later from Dr. B. This was a special phone call. He acted like a friend ... a father ... not like my doctor. He shared much about how he felt regarding the whole journey. I mean, he was there from the VERY beginning. He said he will never forget our conversation on that hot July afternoon when we found out there were 7. He told me about all of the doctor's reactions to messiah and that one in particular (who was at the birth) was impacted greatly. Dr. B once again assured me that we did nothing wrong in the eyes of God or man and that this was God's will. He even told me that he had read this journal. Oh, and guess what? He had no idea that I had left a message for him not yet an hour before. He was just calling to call. Wow.
The day ended as it began. Somehow, after dinner and before bath, our whole family was able to go to our great friend and pastor's home to watch our first viewing of "He is Enough". I wept as I held Bethany's hand and watched. It was so much sweeter to see it for the first time with them than if we were by ourselves.
Divine Assurance:
Nurse V from the fertility office came to our home after the ceremony. She was unable to make the ceremony, but she drove very far to share something with us. V said that the night of our very first appointment with Dr. W (it was very late, we will never forget it because we had to wait for a long time due to an emergency), she went home and told her husband that something great was going to happen with us. V told him that something was "different" this time. I had always sensed that Nurse V was a woman of faith, and hoped that she knew that we served the same God. We never verbally proclaimed our allegiance to Christ in the office until maybe the last appointment. We always wanted to be respectful and be informed of all of our risks. Our faith was and is not blind. Nurse V also said that the news of messiah spread rapidly around the office. The nurses told V that we would reduce. We had not even communicated to V or Dr. W our decision yet, but V told everyone that we would not reduce. She said she just knew it. She stood strong for us in the gap - what a woman of faith! Finally, Nurse V told us that all of the doctors met to discuss our pregnancy. She said that they sat at the table for a long time and looked at our ultrasounds over and over again. Nurse V said that they all agreed ... Dr. W did not miss a thing. 1 mature follicle. 1 egg. 7 pregnancy sacs. Nurse V continues to call me to check in on us. She called me every week when we were pregnant. She is an amazing woman who is standing strong for the Lord in a difficult place. The greatest gift V gave me was by telling me that the Lord affirmed her calling through us. We are unworthy to be a vessel for such a message.
Divine Hope:
Just a few weeks ago, I had the rare and precious opportunity to speak to the wise pastor (and even wiser wife :)) of our former church. Marilyn told me to rest. She said she had chills when I told her that I did not have to search for good in any of it. I told her it was ALL good and I meant it. David told me a story of a woman in Africa who suffered terribly but had the most joy of anyone he has ever met. He said the woman had the most joy because she had the most pain. I recognize greatly with her even when my pain cannot compare to hers or to that of most people who live meaningful lives. David told me he is praying for restoration for us. I told him that the joy we have is indescribable, that God's purposes are greater than what we will ever understand but that we see a glimpse in our changed lives and the changed lives of others. I told David that this is nothing but an opportunity to glorify the King and share the gospel which is the only remedy to heal our broken world. Finally, David told me that while we were taking communion, he prayed for us. He sensed that God was going to give us more children - not as replacement but for restoration. I teared up and told him how we ask God for this, if only to give a baby bother or sister to our girls.
Since messiah:
I now have SIX, yes 6 good friends who are pregnant with GIRLS. Tell me this is not wonderful?
We have received so many testimonies of people who have been through something similar or who tell us that our story had challenged them to consider or draw closer to Jesus Christ.
My husband speaks inspiring truth at my 30th celebration dinner that messiah has been a blessing not because it has brought others to Christ, but because it has brought US to Christ.
I confirm that our prayer and the prayer that we asked all to pray on our behalf,
O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and to
the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give
success to your servant today, and grant him mercy.
was answered. Nehemiah 1:11 continues to be answered.
Perhaps the greatest gift I received on my 30th birthday is something I will not share publicly, but was a gift that gives us hope, a new beginning, a reminder that we have no control, and possibly restoration ...
For ALL the promises of God find their Yes in him [Jesus]. That is why it is through him that we utter our AMEN! to God for his glory.
2 Corinthians 1:20
