Days begin in the gym around 6AM. Mama gets her sweat on while either listening to Ask Pastor John Podcasts (it is my goal right now to get through all of them) or some form of worship music (Bethel, Hillsong, Jesus Culture, and Shane and Shane are my go-tos). After an hour with the Lord in my sanctuary, I feel "full" to "feed" my little flock for the rest of the day. The girls are usually just getting up when I come in, and except for one or two days during the week, Steve has left several hours prior. We cuddle and read God's word together ... usually whatever I didn't get through in the sweatbox (right now, Steve and I are reading the Bible in a year plan via the YouVersion App ... I read out of the Gospel Transformation bible the day's assigned scriptures and all of the designated notes which teach me how what I am reading ultimately points to Jesus and the Gospel - it ROCKS!). We pray for the day, and then eat breakfast together. While we eat, we practice our reading (using Siegfried Engelmann's leaning how to read in 100 easy lessons book, and go over our catechisms (via an awesome iPad App called New City catechism). Then, I work on cleaning up the kitchen while the girls play and (hopefully) go upstairs to get dressed and "make their rooms up".
If the girls have preschool, we go there ... usually by foot (it's only a mile away) ... and if they don't, we head upstairs to do school ourselves. After attention spans are out the window, we play, I clean up, and we get outside (even if it is for 15 minutes in this brutal cold weather). Usually Steve has worked a 6-hour day by this point and comes home for lunch. Naps ensue and I prep our big meal (sometimes Steve and I will eat this together while the girls nap). Daddy leaves for work again around 4:30 and we get outside (if we can) for some play or a walk. The girls eat (and I with them, if I haven't already with Steve) around 5 and I prep breakfast and lunches (if the girls have school) for the next day. Who knows what happens between 6-8, but something does, and Daddy gets home just in time to rock, sing, read, and pray the girls to bed with me. Then we tidy up, catch up on any reading we need for that day ... I STRETCH (and Steve loves it because it makes him wait even longer for his shake), and then we "shake time it" on the loveseat. Lately, we have been watching Desiring God's Look at the Book videos (which each last about 10 minutes) and then turn it to either Shark Tank or National Geographic's series Life Below Zero. Bed time creeps around 9:30. We crawl up the stairs and pass out.
We are trying to decide whether to homeschool Hannah or send her to school for Kindergarten.
We have just decided that Steve is going part-time at one of his jobs.
We are trying to work on adoption paperwork.
We are trying to find the balance of work and rest and coping with...stress.
We pray and fight and cry for our will to be God's will. Sometimes we don't know what to pray for at all.
That's life right now. I wanted to write it down because I never want to forget. The days go by so fast. Throw a couple clients in there or a nutrition plan or two, working on "stuff" for our home and business, and maybe journaling or reading something other than the Word if I'm "lucky" ... there are just not enough hours in the day.
In and through and during all of it is "life". Do you know what I mean? I'm talking about the constant battle of God over self, of husband over self, of children over self. Temptations arise constantly to please me over my God, family, friends, clients, neighbors, acquaintances, and yes, most of all, total strangers. I must feel like I have accomplished something with my hours. Unfortunately, my definition of accomplishment is too self-centered.
Strongholds linger. Am I the only one who fails at overcoming them far too often? I feel like I am.
If I am honest, I forget ... I forget about resting in God. I forget that He is real and always present. I forget that He will ... no, DOES ... supply my every need in Christ Jesus every second of every minute of every hour or every day. I forget at 3PM what I read, heard, or learned from God in the 'box at 6AM.
I don't pray about what I am battling or worrying about like I want to. I fail to love and play with my children like I want to. I fail to listen to my husband like I want to. I WANT TO to be a person that I am just not ... consistently enough at least.
You would think, after everything we have been through ... how we have beheld the Lord so mightily from when He saved me so undauntedly to when he took Mercy, Evelyn, Shiloh, Sage, Issac, Aspen, and Piper just a few months ago that we could remain faithful to Him as much as He is to us. I mean, I really have no excuse. All I have to do is press the "back" button on this screen. It is recorded. God is real and good and has a PLAN. Why can't I rest and obey like I want to?
So, this is the battle. The battle gets hard. The battle gets long. The battle gets the best of me a lot of the time.
But, I am learning, ever so slowly, that "winning" this battle is really just ... REMAINING IN the battle.
John Piper says it well:
The whole of our Christian life is learning to become — by God’s Spirit — what we already are in Christ.
Paul says it even better:
For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
-Romans 7: 18-24
So what's a girl to do, then? Well, thank you God, for inspiring Paul's conclusion ...
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
-Romans 7:25
I ask God to help me ... no, enable me ... to stay in this battle.
I beg His Spirit to say to my flesh (every minute, every hour, every day):
"I choose Him".
I can't see
What's in front of me
Still I will trust You
Still I will trust You
Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on
Though the sky is dark
And the wind is wild
You'll never leave me
You'll never leave me
Though the night is long
There is a coming dawn
The light is breaking
The light is breaking
Steady heart that keeps on going
Steady love that keeps on holding
Lead me on
Steady grace that keeps forgiving
Steady faith that keeps believing
Lead me on
And as the dawn breaks
And the clouds clear
In an open space
Together we will run
-Stefanie Frizzell, Steady Heart
