The Story

 

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

September 19, 2012: God puts a real desire for more children into my heart. I am stressed with a lot of change (work, family, internal) right now. God wants more of me...all of me. I surrender to and pursue Him now, more than ever. He transforms my physical diet. I am free to eat as much and whatever my stomach can handle. It is not my master. I start a new journal. 

Summer-Fall 2012: We study Ecclesiastes with Matt Chandler. I learn that a person may please God only by having faith, which is believing that He is here now and that everything is a result of His grace and mercy...not His wrath. Eternal satisfaction is found only by the one who pleases God (Ecc. 2:26). My daily prayer is that He be enough and that I worship nothing before or other than Him.

Winter 2012: We work much, raise our two beauttiful girls as best we can, and study His word diligently. We do not feel that our family is complete.

April 2013: Anna, my guardian angel, is diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. We cry. We praise God. I am able to help her with nutrition and her symptoms improve dramatically. We pray every morning for her to be healed. We pray without ceasing.  

May 2013: We begin praying for Shelby and Evan, our friends from church, to conceive a child. My heart breaks for them. We pray every morning without ceasing. 

May 26, 2013: Steve finally gives up his desire for a motorcycle. He gets one for his birthday :) Do we receive the desires of our hearts when we truly give them up? 

June 2, 2013: The desire for a child becomes strong and now possible. Hope is done nursing.  Will God surprise us again? What do I need to do? What do I not need to do? We pray, we try, we wait. 

His Word becomes more precious to me than ever. Verses stand out like never before. Are they His whispers for more children to come...more than one? I sense an intense battle looming to bring more Justice children into the world for His Name's sake. I enter into the battle every morning... not just for their creation but even more for the sanctification of my soul.

And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before. 
Job 42:10

Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy. 
Isaiah 61:7

Return to your stronghold, O prisoners of hope; today I declare that I will restore to you double. Zechariah 9:12

July, 2013: First family vacation. Isle of Palms. Amazing time, continuing to fight for the promise I hear and desire. I get confused on how to fight at times. I wonder if I am hearing correctly, I wonder how much I need to "do"...especially with my physical body. I do my best to follow the light He has given me...which only shows about one step ahead.
  
The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

July, 2013: We get annointed at church for healing and for the blessing of more children by Pastor Jonathon Scott. 

August, 2013: My Dad comes to visit by himself. We have a heart-to-heart. He tells me to stop doing so much and pick up yoga. He questions our desire for more children, wondering if it is what is "best" for us.  I greatly respect him and his advice.

September, 2013: We have an article posted in the Charlotte Observer about our business.  God is glorified much in it and we have an influx of clients. We are more intentional than ever about our business being a ministry, to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because we are broken like never before, our hearts are able to love like never before. Some names who come through our doors and leave hearing from God: Keith, Laura, Sandra, Emily, Anthony, Candace, Carrie, Resi, Chuck, Della, Kim, Lane, Logan, Paxton, Weslie, Jaymie...

September, 2013: We are blessed with real Christian community in a new church plant in our town. Mission Community is a tremendous blessing to us. It refines us by challenging how we define ourselves. We share our burden of infertility with the core team.

September 18, 2013: Bethany has a dream in which I let her know that two Justice babies will be entering the world.

September 28, 2013: I begin training Charysse. She is in love with our Savior and has much wisdom. Our sessions are full of salt and light. We share each other's burdens. Through our struggles, we both have major breakthroughs in the months to come. Praise God!

October 20, 2013: I have a dream. I see Dr. Bland in a beautiful meadow. He is at a distance and is speaking. I hear a voice, but not his. It is a greater, gentler, more powerful voice. He tells me to "stop", that "I need to stop." He wants the burden, He wants control. I fast from exercise for one week. I journal.

 

 

November 2013: We research adoption. What a beautiful thing! We register with Bethany Christian Services and submit our first fee. We get a grant from our Church and wait to hear from God.

December 24, 2013: I understand, see, and hate my sin more than ever. This trial has taught and broken me much. So much. Still no baby. Each passing month becomes harder and harder. Yet by the end of every day He proves to be enough.

January 2014: I begin studying Romans with John Piper. What a letter! Justification by faith alone. Imputation of Jesus' righteousness is my only hope. I don't just sin. I am a sinner at my core.

Much of my knowledge (about God, His character, my sin, His Spirit, my flesh...TRUTH) becomes my experience over these next trying months. I find that THIS is the prize of the "story", not a child, if there even is more to come. God, through my trial and the letter of Romans sanctifies me through and through.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
1 Corinthians 3:18

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. 
Philippians 2:12

January 17, 2014: Doctor says I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). He says I have had it my whole life. The girls are miracles. He says I have always ovulated sporadically and probably not that often. At this point, the doctor says I will not ovulate at all without help. My FSH and LH are inverted and my AMH is high. My ovaries are classic poly-cystic (18 immature follicles on the left and 15 immature follicles on the right). After prayer, petition, and counsel, we pursue conservative treatment.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:22-26

February, 2014: I reach back out to Shelby. We have been praying for her every day still. She is undergoing treatment as well. We end up being on the same cycles. I share all the Lord has done  through my trial. She is encouraged and she encourages me. We walk this road together, praise Him!

February 21, 2014: I have a dream of getting an ultrasound. The doctor finds two little babies in my womb. I tell Steve that if we ever get pregnant, I would like to tell our closest friends and family over a long dinner at our home with NO kids!

April 20, 2014 (Easter Sunday): Another cycle ends and begins without a baby. He gives me a great peace. We go out of town in June for 2 weeks. We have spent much money already. Our hearts are tired and over whelmed. We pray. We press on for one more month, at least. I give up running for this seemingly last try. The days to come are incredibly difficult. I run to Him in reckless abandon every morning, day, and night. Mrs. Sandy, our God-fearing neighbor walks closely with me during the next month.

May 9, 2014: I become very discouraged,  sad, and afraid. God seems very distant. I feel my body doing nothing. I am at my wits end. I call Anna while at the park with the girls. We talk for over an hour while we cry and pray for each other. We confess out greatest fears: mine being no more children. I finally have the courage to let it all go. I pray the prayer of Daniel with great fear and trembling:

But even if he does not...
Daniel 3:18

I come home after the walk. Girls are asleep in the stroller. My body suddenly changes. Something is happening. The Goodwin family comes over for supper...we enjoy good food and fellowship...we enjoy much needed laughter...we reflect on the life of Eric's daddy.

May 13, 2014: The "try". Circumstances are good for conception. But, even under the best, chances are only 20%. We have learned that God is Sovereign. He does what He pleases.

Anna tells me to pick back up my "Streams in the Desert" devotional that has accompanied me through many storms in my life. She said her mom told her to read the May 12 entry. The words hit me so hard as they (and the entries to follow) seem to be God's Word specifically for me, specifically for THAT day. May 12's entry summarized the purpose of my agonizing journey and wait. It gave me much clarity and peace...and also a whisper of the fulfillment of my heart's desire.

"Genuine moral fiber is developed by enduring the discipline of faith...When you have made your request and the answer still has not come, what are you to do? Keep on believing His Word! ... God will often purposely delay in giving you His answer, and in fact the delay is just as much as an answer to your prayer as is the fulfillment when it comes."

 

 

 

May 14, 2014: I have a dream. Old-timey ultraound in another country. They open my belly and find two big babies!?

May 20, 2014: After my nightly shower, before I meet Steve downstairs on the couch, I cry to God to tell me, either way, if we are having another child. I plead with him to make it clear before I have to take a pregnancy test. About 2 hours later, we see a live birth on TV.

 

May 24, 2014: Shelby is pregnant! After almost two years of much trial, prayer, and perseverance. PRAISE GOD!

May 26, 2014: Razieh, whom I have not spoken to in months, sends me a text...

 

It is Steve's 30th birthday. I have been planning a big surprise dinner for him at home! The Shaks and Carters come to worship God with us over good food and fellowship. Chef Hannah prepares a five course meal. We watch a wonderful video with many of his friends, clients, family, and former teammates and coaches wishing him a happy birthday and expressing what he means to them.

  

 

 

He has one more present which I "found" this morning at 4AM. It was the last one under my sink and expires 6/2014...

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Our God is in the Heavens. He does all that He pleases. 

Psalm 112:3

 

May 30, 2014: After 19 years of walking with Jesus, I am not impressed with Lindsey Justice, in the least. Less today, than ever. My sense of being able to commend myself to God, in that moment, is more terrifying to me today than ever ... apart from Jesus. Today, I know a little more about: the wickedness of my sin; the subtlety of my pride; the deceitfulness of my heart; the quickness of my critical tongue. I will never, ever be good enough.

God is holy. 
God is good. 
God is jealous. 
God is just. 
God is faithful. 
God is merciful. 
God is gracious. 
God is loving. 
God is wise. 

Not 

The End.